Justin Bieber is Writing a Memoir
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Justin Bieber announced that he is releasing his memoirs this fall and is titled, “Justin Bieber: First Step 2 Forever: My Story” — which will be published by book giant HaprerCollins.
The book, according to the publisher, will be an “illustrated memoir” in hardcover. No, this does not mean that it is a children’s book filled with drawings of a cool bunny named Bieber — even though this is a million dollar idea. The publisher stated that it would have exclusive photos, which means the “illustrated” concept will mostly mean that it’s a bound edition of Tiger Beat.
No one can blame HarperCollins for publishing a book with Bieber, but please don’t call it a “memoir.” It should be a law that a man cannot legally write a memoir until after his testicles drop. He is only 16-years-old. He can’t vote, he can’t buy pornography or tobacco, he can’t gamble, he can’t commit statutory rape with a drunken girl in a Georgia bar. What the hell is he going to write about? Nobody wants to read the memoirs of a sexless, non-drug addicted celebrity. Bieber will soon follow in the footsteps right into the Celebrity Rehab house, just like so many other young stars have before him. But until then, no one cares about his memoirs.
This is Beiber’s entire life so far written from his perspective.
“I was born in 1994. In 2006, I realized I had awesome hair. I needed to show people my hair so I put a video on YouTube. No one cared. So I started to sing, just so people would come watch my videos of my awesome hair. Usher called me and said he loved my hair. I signed a deal with Usher’s label, and my hair also signed a deal with the label. My hair is now insured for $20 billion. Millions of girls want to touch my hair. They all buy my album. Lionel Richie gets me to sing the opening lines of the new “We Are the World.” Turns out, it was just a ploy so he could smell my hair. The End.”
That’s all that has happened in his life so far. His entire life, boiled down to less than three Tweets.
Of course, the memoir will most likely be written in text-slang and in short 140-character bursts so his fans can fully understand him. It will be filled with sentences like, “hello girls…i think we should all hang out very soon….all of us…together…often.” which was actually taken from his Twitter-stream.
Bieber obviously does not understand what an ellipsis signifies (the … used when a writer is omitting words from a direct quote). Most authors should probably know how to correctly use an ellipsis before writing their memoirs, or people will try and fill in the blanks themselves. Let’s try with that last Tweet.
“Hello girls (and by girls, I mean 40-year-old single ladies who live with a bunch of cats). I think we should all hang out very soon (most likely at a hotel where you will wait outside the back entrance for 36-hours to get a glimpse of me and my hair, but will leave disappointed when you realize I left four hours ago in a tinted SUV). All of us (but not the really fat ugly ones.) Together (once again, together means you outside in the rain, while I’m inside a hotel suite drinking apple juice out of a diamond-encrusted chalice). Often (two years from now, the next time I visit Des Moines, Iowa.)”
The book will be released in October, just in time for Bieber to start shaving.
Posted on 08/8/10
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