Lady Gaga – Telephone ft. Beyoncé (Music Video Review)

The metaphorical death of the music video could be linked to MTV’s first foray into reality television with “The Real World.” The long-form music video — something seldom done by artists, but memorable when done well — could have easily saw its literal death with the passing of Michael Jackson. Not true if Lady Gaga and Beyoncé have any say in it.

The two singers team up for Gaga’s latest single “Telephone” creating a 9 minute and 33 second S&M-themed short film featuring prison fights, mass murder and two dance numbers.

Jackson was the ultimate long-form music video artist creating masterpieces like “Thriller,” “Bad,” “Smooth Criminal,” and “Black or White,” — all videos that received high profiled world premieres on MTV. Not far behind with some incredible long-form videos were Guns N’ Roses for songs like “November Rain” and “Estranged.” Several other artists or bands created a single long-form video such as Snoop Dogg’s “Murder was the Case,” or R. Kelly’s laughable “Trapped in the Closet.” Almost no other artists or bands had multiple videos of 8+ minutes, but “Telephone” is Gaga’s second long-form video after her 8-minute-long video for “Paparazzi.”

In fact, this video starts where “Paparazzi” left off. Lady Gaga is being walked to her jail cell in what is labeled as a “Prison for Bitches.” She is stripped of all her clothes, except for some small pieces of tape covering her nipples, and she jumps onto the jail cell bars to show a close-up of her naked blurred-out crotch. One of the very mannish correctional officer’s then says, “Told you she didn’t have a dick.” The other replies, “Too bad.”

The song has not started yet and the scene changes to the “bitch prisoners” hanging out in the prison yard. Gaga is led out in chains, wearing sunglasses made from at least 20 lit cigarettes. She starts to make out with another prisoner, until she gets a phone call on her Virgin Mobile cell phone — just one of the not-so-subtle advertisements in the video. Others include Diet Coke, HP, Miracle Whip and Wonder Bread.

The scene then changes to one of the cellblocks, where a catfight breaks out. One can only wonder who approved of the prison uniforms, as most of them are covered in heavy chains and metal studs. A potential shank could easily be made out any number of items worn by the potential skanks.

After three full minutes of the prison scene, Lady Gaga gets a phone call from Beyoncé where she finally starts to sing. She lovingly sings to Beyoncé, “I’m sorry I cannot hear you I’m kind of busy. Ka-ka-kind of busy.” The first of two dance numbers starts as Gaga and four other dancers wearing nothing but skimpy black-studded bras and panties break out into a routine any stripper would be proud to include in her own stage performance.

The song is then put on pause as Gaga leaves the prison after being bailed out by Beyoncé, who does her best dominatrix impression and is lovingly called “Honey Bee” by Lady Gaga. The two chat in the “Pussy Wagon,” the bright yellow truck made famous in the Quentin Tarantino film Kill Bill. Who knows how Beyoncé wound up owning the truck, but should we assume that she has some relationship with the Uma Thurman assassin character, “The Bride”?

Beyonce starts to sing her portion of the song, which was originally written for Britney Spears according to Lady Gaga. (How stupid does she feel now…) The song is put on pause one more time as Beyoncé meets up with her womanizing asshole boyfriend played by Tyrese Gibson. She pours a small bottle of poison into his coffee which makes him choke, but apparently didn’t use enough to kill him. Not to worry, Gaga is in the kitchen singing in an odd section of the video entitled, “Let’s Make a Sandwich.”

After making the sandwich using a well-placed bottle of Miracle Whip and a loaf of Wonder Bread, Gaga makes a batch of her famous poison. She pours the liquid into every honey jar the diner owns, as well as tops off all the other plates with some powdered poison.

Using the now poisoned honey, Tyrese chokes to death as Beyonce says, “I knew you’d take all my honey, you selfish motherf*cker.” Oddly, although a much-tougher side of Beyoncé than we’ve seen before, the word is bleeped out when she says it unlike when Gaga says the same word several minutes before. Apparently Beyoncé wants to appear a little more edgy, but doesn’t want her image to suffer too much.

We see all the other diners eat their poisoned food and suffer the consequences of a Gaga-cooked meal: death. A second dance number then begins in the diner with the dead patrons laying in the booths surrounding the male and female dancers. Lady Gaga and Beyoncé are wearing Wonder Women gear as they lead the dance routine oddly reminiscent of the zombie dance number from Michael Jackson’s “Thriller” video.

Gaga and Beyoncé make their getaway in the “Pussy Wagon,” as a news reporter announces that the two women are wanted for a mass homicide. In an ode to Thelma and Louise, the two hold hands and make a promise to “never return.” The truck is then seen being chased by a police helicopter as the text “To be continued …” appears on the screen.

Many people have equally strong opinions of Lady Gaga, whether they are opinions of love or hate. This video will only enhance those opinions. Her fans will love her more, and her detractors will continue to hate. No matter your opinion of Lady Gaga — the singer, the songwriter, the performer — one cannot argue that she is indeed an entertainer.

Music video by Lady Gaga featuring Beyonce performing Telephone

Posted on 03/13/10. Back To Blog - Tags: Beyonce, Dance Music, Lady Gaga, MTV, Review, Winning

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